I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
