omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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