The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
