I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
