i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize