I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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