I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
