1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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