I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
