apparently the secret to your success is patron
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
