I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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