So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
