when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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