My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I need to calm my uterus...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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