Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found puke in my bra..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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