The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
