I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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