I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize