oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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