what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
