i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
