It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize