i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
