Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
