Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Life is so much better after having sex.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm just crazy horny about you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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