I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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