last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
