Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
