I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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