dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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