Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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