upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
