ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
