Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
