Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's shark week go big or go home
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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