You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
