Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
