I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
