It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
