turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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