I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
