In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
