my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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