Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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