The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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