M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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