Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
