nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
