Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
