in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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