They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
