dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm just crazy horny about you
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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