He disabled his match.com account in front of me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had sex on a roof
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
