Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
