I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
