I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
