I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
