I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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