I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
