Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
