dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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